I have a whole blog post about this and I'm just gonna paste it here:

In Insurgent Tris lies to Tobias and everyone jumps on that, no one seems to remember that HE lies to her too! He lies to her about Evelyn's plan to take over Dauntless after they beat Jeanine. He lies to her about his motives are for beating up Marcus. He lies to her about becoming a Dauntless leader. To be perfectly honest I think Tris's lies are a lot more selfless, and Tobias's are selfish. Perhaps if he hadn't lied to her she wouldn't have lied to him. Plus she has a bit more of an excuse, her parents died and she was forced to kill her close friend and her best friend's boyfriend! Tris lies and that's bad, but you can't just look at her lies and pretend Tobias's never happened.  

Well?!? do you think I'm right? Should we blame Tobias too?

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It may not justify it, but a bad upbringing will have a great impact on a person's character as an adult.

Divergent 338 said:

Yeah, but a bad up-bringing doesn't justify lies as an adult. 

Tobias Eaton said:

I agree that both are in the wrong. However lets bring up Tobias' upbringing-

1. Lied to about mother being dead during child birth by entire community

2. Lies in order to pass the Test.

3. Has to cover up wounds from Marcus's continued beatings especially for: Lying

Tobias, in my own opinion, really is trying to protect Tris with a lie. Does it mean that it is right? Absolutely not! But if it means he can hang on to an important part in his life, then... the lesser of two evils.

However I also agree with Divergent 338...he can be a jerk, but a jerk we love and admire. Unlike Eric.

"Born in grief, raised in hate. Helpless to defy his fate"

- 'Not One of Us' (The Lion King 2)


No not Tobias's finest moments but it seems you're forgetting that his life and approval were built on lies and withheld truths. It was instinct, it was survival. His own and that of the factions because the order and unity depended on a mutual trust in Abnegation's leaders as the runners of the government (Consider what is happening right now in America since Trump was elected president). 

As I'd read it, his alliance with Evelyn wasn't a black and white belief in her vision; he didn't trust the woman who'd abandoned him any more than the man she left him with. The brunt of it was their common ground of wanting to execute Janine, to support the people Evelyn represented (the outcasts; the divergent and the factionless) and probably a subconscious need to oppose/overpower Marcus.

Tris was raised in a loving home, had good role models in her parents and even her brother. She couldn't have begun to understand what Tobias's abusive childhood did to him, she merely saw a fraction of Marcus's violent nature in his fearscape.  

He was aware and wary of this difference between them even before he found out in 'Allegiant' that he, in fact, was NOT divergent but an exceptional GD (genetically damaged). Hence his resenting her for taking Marcus seriously regarding her parents and the Edith Prior video file and not telling her that he was setting off bombs for Nita and her resistance GD group in 'Allegiant'. 

Bottom line, he keeps from Tris what he feels she can't understand which related to the approval factor.

I'm NOT saying his behavior was justifiable but it was understandable, there is a difference. The environment we are raised in shapes us beyond our control. Child abuse is psychologically damaging and can cause corrupt morals. Often times an abused child will themselves become an abusive adult though not necessarily intentionally. 

Other than turning herself in to Erudite, Tris did NOT lie selflessly. She lied about killing Will because she felt it wouldn't be understood that the simulation was impenetrable and didn't want to lose the only friend she had besides Tobias in Christine. She lied about her alliance with Marcus because she knew Tobias would disapprove and attempt to disengage her. Yeah, she wanted to honor her parents but based purely on the word of a man who'd raised his child to lie. Essentially by trusting Marcus took a shit on Tobias, on what he did to him.  

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